My 27th birthday is next month. Right now I’m on tour driving across this great nation at just above 70 miles per hour. I’m getting ready to turn 30 like an I-80 off ramp.

I just ordered the only thing I ever order from McDonald’s…a shamrock shake. I remember these thick, cold, green beverages, much like long road trips in tiny Nissans, being a lot more enjoyable when I was younger.

I imagine turning 30 is a lot like driving through Iowa. Life was better before I got here, I hope it gets better after, being vegetarian becomes increasingly harder, and I start to understand why people consider having sex with livestock.